“Mommy…”
“What baby…”
“I love you…”
It’s what she says when she’s hungry, but doesn’t want to say so because she knows that if she does she will have to eat something.
It’s heartbreaking and it’s the silent struggle that brings me to my knees more days than not. Having a child that struggles with an eating disorder is something I never imagined I would ever have to go through as a mom.
The backstory…
My daughter, currently 8 years old, never transferred from breast/bottle feeding to solid foods as a baby/toddler. She NEVER ate baby cereal or baby food like the normal baby. Every time I put her in her highchair, it was a complete meltdown and food would fly everywhere. Absolute refusal of any type of solid food.
Pediatricians repeatedly dismissed my concerns. Stating that “she was growing” despite the fact that she was at the very bottom percentile on their growth chart, drinking two PediaSures, and nearly a half gallon of chocolate milk a day with ZERO solid food.
“She will eat when she is hungry,” They would say. And well she didn’t!
“She’s just picky, she will grow out of it.” And well she hasn’t!
I had to listen to my momma intuition and advocate for my baby girl on this one! Despite everything the doctors said, I knew from my deepest core that this was not normal.
Eventually, I was able to get her into Therapy. From age 4-6 we did ALL the therapies (occupational, speech, feeding therapy, feeding clinic) with very little progress. At the age of 6, our then therapist was concerned about her lack of progress with the number of “Safe Foods” she was eating and was even more concerned about her “Relationship with food” So she referred us to a psychologist who specializes in childhood eating disorders. After an evaluation, she was diagnosed with ARFID (Avoidant Restricted Food Intake Disorder)
I had never heard of it and the psychologist explained that it was a relatively new diagnosis only recognized in the medical field since 2014, and that many Drs., especially in rural areas, have never heard of it.
After years of therapy, behavior charts, & reward systems, she has made some progress. However, the things that she eats are still very minimal, variety wise and portion wise. And ARFID is still very much a part of our everyday life.
It is exhausting, stressful, heartbreaking, and frustrating all at the same time knowing your child is hungry, but refuses to eat or will only eat a few specific things.
THIS IS NOT JUST PICKY EATING! We have heard all the parenting tips and tricks from those who mean well.
“Make her sit there until she eats” She would literally sit there all night and starve!
“Negative Consequences” It doesn’t matter!
“Reward Systems.” Believe me we’ve offered her the MOON, but NOTHING is worth eating for her.
“A behavior chart…” Yep we did that!
What about the normal things kids eat?
Cheese pizza? Nope.
Chicken nuggets? Nope
Grilled cheese? Nope.
Hotdog? Nope
bread? Nope
Even now at age 8, our days are often filled with extreme anxiety and stress over food. It’s a struggle each day to get her to consume just enough to get by. Even the foods she has or will eat, she doesn’t really want to eat them.
The stress load I carry as her mom, is often overwhelming.
Will she ever be able to spend the night with a friend without having to carry a bag of snacks with her or worse, just not eating at all?
When she is older, will this turn into other eating disorders?
If I stopped offering food would she just stop eating?
Will she still struggle with this into her adult life?
What happens if we are not able to get enough calories in to make up for all of the calories that she uses for the sports that she loves? (This is where we are currently)
It brings to mind a story that I saw. A tiny college girl who was caught on a campus camera with a backpack that weighed more than her being blown away by the wind. There were so many comments on that story that broke my heart. Many of them revolved around the fact that she was so tiny and comments that stated she needed to eat. I can’t help but worry that this could be my baby girls reality…a life long struggle with food.
I was hoping it would go away or that she would eventually grow out of it, but after much research and being in groups with other Momma’s with children who struggle with ARFID, I have come to the realization that it is a lifelong struggle and I should no longer be silent. By telling our story, I am hoping to bring more awareness.
So here is all the Education for you!
~The following information was written using AI~
Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) is often misunderstood or mistaken as “Extreme Picky Eating” but It’s often driven by sensory processing differences, fear of negative consequences (like vomiting or choking), or a genuine lack of interest in eating.
If a child with ARFID could articulate the complexities of their disorder, this is what they would say:
- It’s not about being “bad” or stubborn. My brain processes food signals differently. I’m not trying to be difficult or ruin dinner; I’m trying to stay safe.
- Safe foods are my lifeline. When I have a “safe food,” it’s the only thing that feels predictable. If the brand or packaging changes, it might not be safe anymore because I can’t trust it will taste the same.
- The smell alone can be overwhelming. Sometimes just the scent of a certain food feels like a physical assault on my senses. It can make me feel nauseous before I even see the plate.
- I’m afraid of what food might do to me. For some of us, eating feels dangerous. I might be terrified that I’ll gag, vomit, or choke, even if I’ve swallowed that food a thousand times before.
- Texture is a dealbreaker. A “slimy” or “crunchy” surprise in a soft food can feel like finding a rock in a sandwich. It creates a sensory “short circuit” in my brain.
- I’m actually really hungry. It’s a myth that I’m just “not hungry.” My stomach might be growling, but if there’s no safe food available, my brain tells me that starving is better than eating something “unsafe.”
- Pressure makes it worse. When people stare at me, bribe me, or force me to take “just one bite,” my anxiety spikes. When I’m anxious, my throat feels tight, making it even harder to swallow.
- I feel guilty for being “different.” I see how stressed you get at restaurants or during holidays. I wish I could just eat like everyone else, but I don’t know how to turn this off.
- Social events are exhausting. Birthday parties and school lunches are scary because they revolve around food. I spend the whole time worrying someone will comment on my plate.
- I’m not trying to “manipulate” you. My refusal is a survival instinct, not a power struggle. It’s a “no” coming from my nervous system, not my ego.
- Believe me when I say I can’t. When I say a food is “gross,” I often mean it feels physically impossible to put it in my mouth. Please don’t tell me I’m exaggerating.
- Small steps are huge wins. If I just touch a new food or let it sit on my plate without panicking, that’s a massive victory for me. Please notice those tiny bits of progress.
- Keep the “Food Talk” to a minimum. Sometimes the best way to help me eat is to talk about anything except the food. Distraction helps lower my guard.
- I need you to be my advocate. When other adults or kids tease me or try to force me to eat, I need you to step in and tell them that my eating habits aren’t up for discussion.
- I need to know you still love me. I worry that you’re disappointed in me because of how I eat. I need to know that my value to you isn’t tied to what’s on my fork.
Just reading these is very difficult for me. I have put it all in God’s hands and I pray about it often, but the living it out every single day is an uphill battle. But it’s a hill worth climbing for my baby girl!
We will not let this defeat us. When we pray together at night we pray that God helps her with her eating.
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
God Bless,
~Mandy Anderson
Just Planting Daisies 
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